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There’s a type of men

who had nothing

yet he stood by me until the end.

And there’s also a type of men

who had everything

but was confused since the beginning.

If you ask me.

I’d rather be with a man

who can stand by me until the end.

Whether or not he has anything.

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*speechless*

I’ve met Ado.

I don’t want to write about it.

I am still in my own version of love dilemma. Which is very boring it’s not funny anymore. After the birthday we met a few times the following weeks, which part of me sees very inapproppriate. But another part of me just acclaims, “who cares? We just wanna have fun while we can”, which I believe it’s the bad part. I don’t know why it turns out like this now. It seems like “being friends” suddenly appears as an excuse for us to still keep in touch. However. Who says friends have to meet each other every week? And go in public like a loving couple? And capture happy-mood pictures together still? This is nonsense. Let me be honest here, I am 10000% sure that I don’t see my future being with him anymore, and that doesn’t mean I like us being friends either. Though it was my own idea at the beginning. I mean, we can’t behave like friends at all, so what’s the point? Only in my birthday card he wrote that I’m a friend now but everything else actually remains unchanged. WTH? Do we think I broke it off just for fun and never meant it? No! It took me ALOT of emotion and decision, and I just can’t believe that it’s now going so fine like.. like.. we never actually broke up. And he’s actually being alot nicer than before which I can read his mind that he’s trying to keep me still. And to make me love him still. I don’t know how to explain more so that he (or actually we) understand that things should be different than before. We’re not supposed to meet often anymore, cuz it only makes me hard to forget my feelings and to move on. I know it counts my fault just as well since I hardly am able to say no. Yes now that after a couple of weeks I’m back with my neutral feelings and all so that’s why I could say no and write this way. But when I meet him I can’t promise I can be any disciplined in maintaining my mind. I think I just don’t know how to feel as a friend to someone I used to love. Oh forget it. It’s so rubbish.

I hope this will end soon. I just don’t know how.

It’s supposed to be, “Hvala za si doveslo me do ovdje”

Hmm, it wasn’t that which he corrected me when I said “Hvala.. za.. si poslao me” (in uncertainty). I can only recall Hvala …. do ovdje. You can put anything approppriate in between. That always happens in any spontaneous learning session, you can always forget what your teacher have said, very shortly. Or perhaps I didn’t pay attention too much :/ Or I should have written it down properly.

Yes. Ado came to visit me day before yesterday after work. He saw my place and my workplace, and we went to Backofen. I wanted to take pictures of yummy food we were having but forgot until the dishes got almost empty. Hahaha. Maybe next time. I had Rosmarine chicken and Austrian fried rice and he got spaghetti bolognese and home made burger, and we both had hot chocolate. So much a self indulgance after having been missing Backofen for 5 months! I suggested he move to live in Sri Hartamas so it’d be easy to go to this favorite restaurant of ours.

Anyway. Things are good with me and Ado lately. Part of me feels really happy. Another part feels really guilty. I did tell Mama I had already broken it off with him and would not go any further than as friends only.

But forget that for now. I am not actually really planning for the future yet. Not that I want to get married any soon. All that matters now we’re back together again. Though I haven’t confirmed with him, are we now dating again? Are you my boyfriend again? Or a part time lover? Or a friend-with-benefit? (now I think I know what they mean by “friends with benefit”).

1) Perhaps I don’t want to ask though I want to. I used to need confirmation before, but now I think I no longer do. Hahahaha. He is my bf when I love him and he isn’t when I hate him. And I can always go for a new guy in case someone turns up. I don’t need to ask for a breakup again if there’s actually nothing to break, am I right? So convenience that way right? Hahaha since when have I become a player?

2) Or perhaps not everything should be said verbally. Cos, I guess it’s been answered emotionally. If you know what I mean. And that should be enough for now :-)

I love Ado. I even haven’t said this to him for a very long time. But nevermind. At least I wrote it here many times already, heh. Actually, I even hate to acknowledge it myself now. Sigh. Cos it will only lead to hopes and expectations. And tendency to think about the future. And realization that everything is so complicated and unpromising. So forget it. Girls just wanna have fun. At least they like to say something like that.

Love him. Hate him. Yay what a boring girl I am. I realized every blog entry I write about Ado always sounds too teenage given the fact that I am turning 25 soon and having work colleagues who have married and in steady relationships. Hmm. Too teenage, too childish, so what? That’s all I can write here afterall. I cannot write anything too adult in a public blog, mind you ;-) Hehehe.